By admin 
HangupsMusic.com – New York, The luminous smile and earnest demeanor that captivated millions during American Idol‘s seventh season in 2008 masked a tumultuous inner world for then-17-year-old David Archuleta. Now 35, the celebrated singer and author unveils the profound narrative of his life in his new memoir, Devout: Losing My Faith to Find Myself, set to be released on Tuesday, February 17. This deeply personal account chronicles Archuleta’s arduous journey from a sheltered, devout Mormon upbringing to a public declaration of his queer identity, a path fraught with internal conflict, spiritual wrestling, and the harrowing shadows of suicidal ideation.
Archuleta, who captured the nation’s heart as the runner-up to David Cook, candidly reflects on the immense pressure and fear that defined his time on the hit reality show. What viewers perceived as a composed, unassuming teenager was, in reality, a young man grappling with a secret that felt like a fundamental flaw in his very being. "I was absolutely terrified on Idol," Archuleta confides, revealing that the public spotlight only intensified a lifelong struggle with his burgeoning sexuality. He recalls recognizing a profound "wrongness" within himself as early as 12, an understanding reinforced by societal and religious admonishments against same-sex attraction. His earliest memory of having feelings for another boy dates back to second grade, an experience detailed in Devout, which immediately instilled a deep-seated need for concealment.
Growing up in Utah, largely homeschooled and immersed in the conservative tenets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Archuleta learned early on to suppress any hint of difference. He recounts being bullied for exhibiting "sissy" or "feminine" traits, cementing his desire to remain unnoticed. Yet, American Idol thrust him onto a national stage, demanding vulnerability and exposure. "I was worn out from constantly being afraid and constantly feeling like I had to have my guard up," he explains. The show’s cameras didn’t just capture his performances; they scrutinized his every mannerism, leaving him perpetually on edge. He longed to share his voice with the world but feared the inevitable rejection if his true self were ever revealed. The show’s producers, perhaps sensing an inherent sweetness, cultivated a "happy, sweet boy-next-door" persona for him, a role Archuleta admits he diligently strived to fulfill, even as it further distanced him from his authentic self.
Paradoxically, Archuleta unknowingly became a beacon for a community he was not yet ready to acknowledge. He recalls a burgeoning LGBTQ+ fanbase during his Idol run, a phenomenon he couldn’t comprehend at the time. It was only after his public coming out in June 2021 that many of these fans reached out, sharing that he had been their "gay awakening"—the first male they realized they were attracted to. "I was in so much denial on Idol and yet I was the representation of a queer young teenager on national television struggling to figure out who he was," he reflects, highlighting the poignant irony of his early public life.
The decision to pen Devout crystallized shortly after his public declaration, which followed seven years after privately coming out to his family. Archuleta recognized his unique platform to illuminate the experiences of queer individuals, especially those within his religious community. Initially, his aim was to bridge understanding, hoping to show his church that people like him existed within their congregations. He was profoundly moved when, after coming out, five members of his own congregation privately confessed, "I’m like you." This revelation underscored the silent suffering and isolation prevalent among LGBTQ+ Mormons.
One particularly poignant encounter illustrates this unspoken anguish. Feeling uncomfortable attending services with his home congregation after coming out, Archuleta sought solace in another ward. A grown man, whose adult child he knew, chased him down as he was leaving early, desperately proclaiming, "Brother Archuleta, I am like you." The raw desperation in the man’s eyes, coupled with his confession of "how hard it has been," served as a powerful catalyst. Archuleta realized that countless individuals were hiding their true selves, victims of a system that often fails to acknowledge the struggles of its queer members. This conviction intensified when a fan approached him at an airport during a tour, asking how Archuleta came out. When Archuleta inquired if he had been having suicidal thoughts, the fan admitted to having them for the past month, a stark reminder of the dire consequences of forced concealment.
Archuleta himself experienced the suffocating grip of suicidal ideation before finding the courage to embrace his identity. He describes seeing himself as a "corrupt product," a "broken toy," unable to envision a future where he could exist authentically. The internal debate was stark and terrifying: "I asked myself which is better, ending my life or possibly being gay." In his darkest moments, he entertained the notion that taking his own life might offer a twisted path to "redemption," a desperate attempt to reconcile his perceived "sin" with his eternal soul. He began to plan, writing a note to his family about his possessions and even scouting locations. The teachings of his church, which emphasized the supremacy of eternity over this mortal life, subtly fed into this despair. "So why would it be worth accepting myself in this life if it meant costing my soul for eternity?" he questioned, articulating a common internal conflict for many religious queer individuals who contemplate sacrificing their earthly existence for a chance at salvation in the afterlife.
Yet, a pivotal moment of spiritual defiance altered his trajectory. He began to question the very foundations of his beliefs: "What if that isn’t true? Because Joseph Smith said it? He could’ve made it up and all these people have given up their lives for well-told fantasy tales in the Book of Mormon." This radical questioning paved the way for a profound personal revelation. Dropping to his knees, he prayed fervently for God to make him straight. The answer he received was not the one he expected after 17 years of pleading. Instead, he felt a clear, divine message: "there’s nothing to change." This deeply personal experience, which he chose to trust, became his anchor. "My church did a great job teaching me that you can have your own personal revelations from God," he notes, emphasizing that this moment, a direct communion with what he perceived as the "grand creator," made him feel "seen for the first time."
Devout also delves into Archuleta’s struggle with toxic co-dependency, a pattern he attributes to his upbringing and public life. He realized he had relinquished too much of his will and choice to others—his father, family members, management, producers, and the church itself. His journey to self-acceptance in his 30s has been one of liberation, fostering a newfound confidence in his own body and self. "It’s been freeing and I feel confident in my body and with myself for the first time," he shares, acknowledging that this path resonates with many queer individuals who find their footing later in life.
The process of fully embracing his identity ultimately led Archuleta to part ways with the Church of Latter-Day Saints. In a powerful testament to familial love, his mother chose to leave the church alongside him, declaring, "If you’re going to hell, we’re going to hell together." This poignant moment inspired his evocative song, "Hell Together." Archuleta initially attempted to work within church channels, engaging with leaders he had known and served alongside, hoping they would understand the heartbreak and divine connection he found in accepting himself. However, their resistance proved disheartening. A church leader he considered a close confidant ghosted him, only to reach out a year after Archuleta publicly left, questioning, "Why did you have to come out? Why did you have to do that publicly?" Archuleta’s response was direct: "Because you didn’t hear me when I went through church channels." The swiftness with which he felt "cast aside" due to his sexuality was a painful realization.
His intention in sharing his story was never to disparage his former church but to advocate for inclusion and understanding. He yearned for the church to acknowledge its queer members, to offer them a place of belonging and love, rather than abandonment and judgment. "We were miserable because our community abandoned us," he asserts, refuting the narrative that queer individuals are unhappy because of their choices, rather than the rejection they face.
The book’s title, Devout, was a suggestion from his friend John Hoffman, co-creator of Only Murders in the Building. Hoffman recognized Archuleta’s unwavering devotion—to his church, to his father’s expectations, to his beliefs, and to God. The title also cleverly plays on the word "out," symbolizing his emergence into his true self.
Revisiting his American Idol finale, Archuleta recalls a sense of profound exhaustion and relief when David Cook was announced the winner. The grueling competition, the constant public scrutiny, and the pressure from his "stage dad" had taken their toll. Yet, beneath the fatigue, a deeper unworthiness gnawed at him. "I didn’t think I deserved it. I felt so unworthy to be there, because I had this belief in me for decades that no matter what I did, how much I accomplished, how much praise I received, I was unworthy of it and I didn’t deserve it because of the ‘dirtiness’ I had inside of me."
Now, through the process of writing Devout, Archuleta has found healing and self-acceptance. He initially reacted to his past self with disgust but learned to embrace and love that once-hidden part of him. As a 35-year-old, he can now look back at his 17-year-old self with pride and compassion. "Good job! I’m proud of you and you’ve made it this far. You almost chose to not be here and, gosh, I’m so glad that you did because a lot of people chose to take their life." His hope is that by sharing his vulnerable story, fewer people will reach that desperate point and will instead choose to live, authentically and fully.
Accompanying the memoir, Archuleta will embark on a seven-city book tour starting February 17 in New York, offering Q&A discussions and autograph signings. In a further extension of his artistic expression, he is also releasing a three-song EP of new music, directly inspired by the themes explored in Devout. This EP will be exclusively available with the purchase of the audiobook, also set for release on February 17, providing a multi-sensory experience of his journey from profound devotion to exhilarating self-discovery.